A message from all of us to the cafes, restaurants and bars which are rumoured to prioritise white customers over native black Ugandans. Especially if the rumours are true.

Hello racist staff who according to the increasing numbers of social media rants continue to neglect black patrons in favour of white ones at high end restaurants and hotels. Hi. How are you doing. Sieg heil, in fact, if you prefer.

I’m not here to tell you to stop being racist, so relax.

That ship sailed long ago.

That ship sailed, in fact, when your ancestors rounded up their fellow black brethren and sold them as slaves to the White Man Inc.

I’m not here to tell you to stop. Quite the opposite. I am here to tell you how to do it better.

See, I have been doing research into racism. On your behalf, of course, because racists are stupid, ignorant and have the social and intellectual perception skills of a housefly. No offense meant. Well, none beyond the amount deserved.

My research tells me that racism stems from a psychological phenomenon called “othering”. This is where you categorize people into groups and attribute different value to different groups.

There’s also a phenomenon called “misrecognition”, where you ascribe the wrong value to the wrong group.

For example, when you clamour to white customers to lick and smooch and smother them with your racist love, in the hope of winning their favour, while you scorn black customers, you misrecognise the algebra.

Here’s the secret:

Most white people in Uganda may not appreciate being treated racistically so your behaviour is making them uncomfortable.

If you want an entitled d-bag who expects to be treated like he or she farts gold vapor when they go to a posh restaurant you are more likely to find one being a Ugandan.

Don’t snivel and grovel at white people: snivel and grovel at black Ugandans who dangle Prado keys, wear apple watches and have the white sole of their sneakers still white after four pm. Call them “Meneja.” That will get you tips.