These are the confessions of a young executive who thought he was on the fast track to the top. Kumbe…

I hear 70 percent of us youth in Uganda are unemployed. Not me. Even though, truth be told, I should be one of the 30 percent.

 Yet here I am with a big fat corporate job. I have a lanyard, I have a fingerprint in the biometric scanning system of a modern building, I have a meal card, I have a bank account and I have a Passo. I am an employed youth yet, real talk, I am utterly useless.

It’s not that I am lazy, it is that I am incompetent. First of all, I spent my time in uni doing a course with no market value, and secondly, even then I was not learning. I cut most classes.

How did I graduate? One day my lecturer told me, “Brian, see me in my office after evening classes.” When I showed up in the evening, she asked me if she should just close the door or lock it as well. That is how I passed.

Many of my colleagues say that there is nothing they learned at uni that they use in the actual job.

Me? I learnt the only thing I use in my job that evening in the lecturer’s office.

But first let me finish telling you about how big, fat and juicy my job is. They even give me internet allowance for online meetings on the days my department works remotely. But what do I do in those meetings? I listen to what one person says then I repeat it as a question.

For example:

Someone says, “We should leverage cross-departmental collaboration to drive this project forward.”

Then I put up my hand in the meeting and I’m like, “So what you are saying is that we should rope in teams across the board to operationalise the task optimally? Am I getting you right?”

Yes, I am those people.

So, how come? How did I not only get the job in the first place but how come I got to keep it in t he second place and how come I got to advance in the third and most bewildering place? How am I a boss? Yeah. I am a boss.

It is because I sleep my way to the top.

I use shea butter to make my skin glow, so my lususu looks appealing in the zoom. And then I use cocoa butter to make my beard shine, so I look even hawtter in the DMs after the zoom. And I hit gyms so I look absolutely irresistable in real life after the DMs.

As a result of– not as a result of my hard work. Gym used to be hard work but after you develop the muscles the weights do not feel as heavy, so let me say, as a result of my soft work I am soooooo handsome that I end up trapping all my thirsty superiors who have husbands that are tired from hard work.

The husbands of team leads in the corporate world, well, they might be valuable employees to their company, but that is where they stop doing a good job. In other areas they are unsatisfactory. 

As if there are no young bucks with shiny beards and lack of morals in their wives’ offices.

Wamma keep working hard, Uganda corporate husbands. That is why I started off under you, then ended up being above you.

Cos the same thing happened with your wife! Hahahaha! I started off under then ended above! Get it? You beta cuck! Get it?

Cos your wife got it.

But I don’t advise my fellow youth to do the same. 

Guys, don’t listen to those red pill guys, listen to me. Sleeping your way to the top isn’t the best plan. 

You see, there is a colleague of mine. I will not tell you her name because in this hustle we have ethics which forbid it. We don’t reveal names. We keep that info for when time comes for blackmail.

What? You think a man who is sleeping his way to the top doesn’t have a secure cloud drive of videos? How did you think this game works? That she promotes me because she loves me? Bro, no matter how good the D, it can only get you to, like junior assistant supervisor level. From there on you need to firm up. From there you have to encourage the boss to go, “Say my name! Say my name!” so will have concrete evidence.

Anyway, my colleague — let’s call her Prudence, because she is not a prude at all, so that name fully conceals her true identity– was on the same plot as me. It was kawa until, you guessed it, she has caught up with me. We were neck and neck.

Our immediate supervisor was a straight male, so Immaculate (not real name again. If you know what immaculate means then you know it conceals the identity better than Prudence) sprung into action.

One day I saw that straight male supervisor had a weekend field assessment upcountry. 

And that weekend Immaculate didn’t post her usual IG stories about where she was partying. 

I was not surprised when promotions came around and she became supervisor of team leads.

However, one thing I learned in uni is that if food is finished at the takeaway, you don’t just allow and eat g nuts and rice at the Mama Merida in the market. There is always chicken at Caffessarie. When my former colleague became my boss I went over her head to the regional executive director. And going over is not the only thing I know about head. Giving it is another option. So now I’m her boss! Regional teams superintendent!

I even took out a salary loan. I put the Passo on the online second hand car market. I am waiting for my new Prado to arrive from Japan. 

But the problem is… 

…lately…

…these days…

You guys…

Bro…

Immaculate Is looking hawtt! Hawtter than ever. Thirst has me trapped like kawunyemu. I don’t know how much longer I can resist. 

Youth of Uganda, I urge you to be job creators instead of job hunters. The game is ruthless.